Bonding and Attachment

Our adoption training also focused a lot on bonding and attachment.


(From our training text):
Attachment refers to a special emotional and social connection between children and their caregivers that emerges during the first year of life.
If there is a loss of this relationship, or even a threat of loss of a caretaker, it creates stress for the child.
The first attachment for a child is typically to his mother, and the attachment process begins prenatally.


Understanding and empathizing that Asher will be grieving at different times of his life over his traumatic loss, we can have the openness to be able to work on attaching with him. This process will not come naturally for him. We will be strangers to him and so will our world.


The good news is that attachment can be successful with adequate, loving, secure and patient parents who advocate proper bonding.


(From our training text):
Bonding is the emotional glue in attachment. It is the process of forming an attachment. It is the process that binds two people together. 


It will be important for us, as Asher's parents, to encourage him to feel and believe we are trustworthy and dependable, and that we will meet his physical and emotional needs. One of the key ways to do this, especially for children who have lived in orphanages, or had low quality nourishment (not ever having a full tummy) is always providing him with healthy snacks and food throughout his day. Anytime he asks for food or water, we need to give it. Another way is the encourage him to take the bottle again or stay on it longer so we can have close contact while feeding him, like we would have if he came to us as a newborn.


The close physical contact is another key for attachment. At first, he may be resistant to it, but we are to persevere in this. It is also essential that other people whom aren't in our immediate family, not be allowed to hold him for first stages of attachment. Mostly, he needs to feel attached to his Mommy and Daddy first, then siblings, then it will reach out to others. This may be hard for others to accept or understand, but it is what is best for him. Unfortunately, I have heard of some adopted children, even brand new infants that were passed from person to person and they had a difficult time bonding with their parents, and they "detached". Especially children that have lived in orphanages and are used to many caregivers, they learn to  "survive" emotionally, by not attaching to those people, otherwise it would hurt too much. So instead they detach from caretakers. We want to change that response.


Some of the things we plan to implement for healthy bonding and attachment for our Asher is:


-keep him or put him back on the bottle
-have him sleep in our room, even in our bed if he needs that (many foster families do this in China and he will be used to that)
-give healthy food anytime he asks for it
-only Jay or me feeding him and take care of his emotional and physical needs
-ask nurses/doctors to hold him when they do a painful procedure (ie shots) then we will comfort him when they are done
-besides Jay and I, only allow siblings one-on-one with him at first, as long as he is comfortable
-hold him, rock him, even wear him in a sling, as he will tolerate
-use a therapy brush on his skin
-spend lots of time with him, not leave him with any other caretaker as feasible besides Jay or me
-regular eye contact 
-soothing talk and communication, even when he has melt downs


We need to think of this as he will be a newborn infant when it comes to attachment to us. We will in a way treat him like an infant handed to us, as new parents. Yes, he will walk and do older baby things, but his emotional state needs to be treated as such in the beginning. I need to think, if he is screaming and upset, how would I have handled it when I had a newborn and they were doing that? First of all, I did not take it personally. Secondly, I was patient and understanding they were trying to get their needs met. That will be no different for Asher either.


Jay and I are reading a book called the Connected Child by Dr. Karen Purvis. It is focused on families with adopted children and how to connect with them, but still a valuable resource for anyone involved in the lives of children. We are going to start video training with a local church next Monday for the Connect Child as well. I am really looking forward to learning how to be that kind of parent for my kids.