Training, Learning and Loss- "Adoption Style"

Last weekend Jay and I attended our mandatory 16 hour, face-to-face, adoption education. It was Friday, May 20th and Saturday, May 21st (which also happened to be Jay's 42nd birthday. Happy Birthday Honey!).

We weren't sure what to expect from it, but both of us were happy to be there and learned a lot. There is so much new thinking we have to learn as adoptive parents.

Understanding where your child comes from (as much as you can from a child abandoned and left with just a note), is important. It is even more essential to realize that even though we will likely never know Asher's parents, they will still always be a vital part of him. Our instructor told us that, "The birth family and a child's history will always be a part of a child's identity, to some degree and in some way." Adoption, while a good thing, does not change the child's history, genetics, cross-culture differences, loss, or shame they feel. Even in the best, pro-active, loving adoptive family we need to always remember that adoption comes from loss. And with loss comes grief.

One of the biggest things we focused on for our training was what grief is in adoption. There are three entities that grieve through adoption. The first is obvious to everyone, the adopted child. Even if the child is put into a loving family just minutes after birth, they will still have the loss of a mother, whom carried him for nine months. There is a neurological connection that cannot be denied between a child and it is biological mother. If the child was placed into an orphanage or foster care before becoming adopted that adds to the number of people they will need to grieve. Often there is more trauma in their life, from malnourishment, hunger, neglect, and/or abuse. Each of those circumstances will cause grief in the child and need to be healed at some time.

The second entity who will grieve is the birth parents. Even though we will not know our child's parents, there is still a hurting family somewhere. Even if they don't realize it yet. It is usually best to allow some form of communication with the birth parents, even if it just to allow them to see your child in a healthy, safe and loving family. I am not sure how to deal with this part of our adoption. But I will, in the least, pray for his parents. God knows who they are and what they need. I have faith that because of Asher's medical needs they knew that he needed help. I am assuming they were likely poor and had no means to help him. He possibly could have died from malnourishment had they not abandoned him. It took them three days to make that decision, so I know they loved him the way they could. I hurt for them.

Which leads me to the third entity whom will grieve, the adoptive family. I had begun grieving for our little boy as soon as we were matched with him. For me, it has been important to watch different "Gotcha Days" on video. Gotcha Day is the term used for the adoptive parents meeting and adopting their new child. I have watched maybe 40 of these videos and am looking to watch more. Many of them bring tears and heart ache.

Why do we have to live in a world where parents can't take care of there own children? It is not natural, it is a huge void. For me as a mother, I would try everything in my power to take care of and love my children. But, if I was in a place where I just could not do it in a healthy way, whether it was because of extreme poverty, lack of medical help, sickness, or my own emotional instability- would I let my child go? Would I let me child be loved and raised by another family, knowing I would never see them again on this side of eternity? But hoping, praying, believing there was a chance they would have a better life with some other mother? Oh that hurts to imagine.

I am grieving for what our little boy will feel the day we meet him. Because he has been in foster care, there is a good probability he will have bonded with that family, and they him. It will be hard, hard on those first days for us as Asher's new, strange, weird-looking and weird-smelling parents. We need to learn how to be his parents and who he is and what he needs and thinks. He will need to learn to let go of whom he loved and trusted, what he knew as normal, and learn how to trust us. I know this will not be an easy thing for any of us. I am so looking forward to doing it though! I am so thankful God has entrusted Jay and me to this place. Wow, I just can't even explain the thankfulness and love we feel already.

Yes, we know we are "saving" his life and we are giving him a family for life, a forever Family! But he is going to be giving us so much more, my words can not explain.

I am going to type another post soon about more of what we learned from our education. I thought I could I write it all in one post, but it is just so much life changing words I need to take more time.