Last weekend Jay and I attended our mandatory 16 hour, face-to-face, adoption education. It was Friday, May 20th and Saturday, May 21st (which also happened to be Jay's 42nd birthday. Happy Birthday Honey!).
We weren't sure what to expect from it, but both of us were happy to be there and learned a lot. There is so much new thinking we have to learn as adoptive parents.
Understanding where your child comes from (as much as you can from a child abandoned and left with just a note), is important. It is even more essential to realize that even though we will likely never know Asher's parents, they will still always be a vital part of him. Our instructor told us that, "The birth family and a child's history will always be a part of a child's identity, to some degree and in some way." Adoption, while a good thing, does not change the child's history, genetics, cross-culture differences, loss, or shame they feel. Even in the best, pro-active, loving adoptive family we need to always remember that adoption comes from loss. And with loss comes grief.
One of the biggest things we focused on for our training was what grief is in adoption. There are three entities that grieve through adoption. The first is obvious to everyone, the adopted child. Even if the child is put into a loving family just minutes after birth, they will still have the loss of a mother, whom carried him for nine months. There is a neurological connection that cannot be denied between a child and it is biological mother. If the child was placed into an orphanage or foster care before becoming adopted that adds to the number of people they will need to grieve. Often there is more trauma in their life, from malnourishment, hunger, neglect, and/or abuse. Each of those circumstances will cause grief in the child and need to be healed at some time.
The second entity who will grieve is the birth parents. Even though we will not know our child's parents, there is still a hurting family somewhere. Even if they don't realize it yet. It is usually best to allow some form of communication with the birth parents, even if it just to allow them to see your child in a healthy, safe and loving family. I am not sure how to deal with this part of our adoption. But I will, in the least, pray for his parents. God knows who they are and what they need. I have faith that because of Asher's medical needs they knew that he needed help. I am assuming they were likely poor and had no means to help him. He possibly could have died from malnourishment had they not abandoned him. It took them three days to make that decision, so I know they loved him the way they could. I hurt for them.
Which leads me to the third entity whom will grieve, the adoptive family. I had begun grieving for our little boy as soon as we were matched with him. For me, it has been important to watch different "Gotcha Days" on video. Gotcha Day is the term used for the adoptive parents meeting and adopting their new child. I have watched maybe 40 of these videos and am looking to watch more. Many of them bring tears and heart ache.
Why do we have to live in a world where parents can't take care of there own children? It is not natural, it is a huge void. For me as a mother, I would try everything in my power to take care of and love my children. But, if I was in a place where I just could not do it in a healthy way, whether it was because of extreme poverty, lack of medical help, sickness, or my own emotional instability- would I let my child go? Would I let me child be loved and raised by another family, knowing I would never see them again on this side of eternity? But hoping, praying, believing there was a chance they would have a better life with some other mother? Oh that hurts to imagine.
I am grieving for what our little boy will feel the day we meet him. Because he has been in foster care, there is a good probability he will have bonded with that family, and they him. It will be hard, hard on those first days for us as Asher's new, strange, weird-looking and weird-smelling parents. We need to learn how to be his parents and who he is and what he needs and thinks. He will need to learn to let go of whom he loved and trusted, what he knew as normal, and learn how to trust us. I know this will not be an easy thing for any of us. I am so looking forward to doing it though! I am so thankful God has entrusted Jay and me to this place. Wow, I just can't even explain the thankfulness and love we feel already.
Yes, we know we are "saving" his life and we are giving him a family for life, a forever Family! But he is going to be giving us so much more, my words can not explain.
I am going to type another post soon about more of what we learned from our education. I thought I could I write it all in one post, but it is just so much life changing words I need to take more time.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Fingerprinting I800-A
Little bit of a late update:
Last Monday was our appointment for fingerprinting. It is about an hour drive. Not too far, but during the middle of a work day for Tyler and Jay. They both got off early that day and we took a little family trip. We left a few of the younger ones with Makenna and took the rest. I had heard from others that even though it states, "Not to bring anyone besides those who need to be printed", that they had no troubles. We went ahead and took the chance. It ended up being no issue, by the way- the place was very slow. Jay also wore his uniform as they serve armed forces quickly and efficiently.
Well, one thing that is stated on the appointment letter and I have heard from others to be very true with some offices, is that they can and often will turn you away if you have an open cut on your hand. I have also heard that prints don't turn out if you have super dry hands. I have been careful with my hands and asked the guys to do the same. Especially my husband who always seems to have to some sort of cut on his hand or finger. Well, would you believe his hands looked absolutely perfect, but only up until 2 minutes before we loaded up in the van. Yep, he sliced open the side of his index finger and it was bleeding good. He came in the bathroom and was looking for the New Skin. At first it didn't register with me what the problem was, like I said he always cuts himself and he has a high pain tolerance, just doesn't feel it. But then he says, "I cut my finger!'
I was thinking, "Okay I am sorry, well anyway." (Sorry, I was quite distracted getting people out the door). But then it hit me and I said, "Oh, No! You cut your finger. Let me see it." All for purely selfish motivation, honestly. I felt sick thinking they definitely would not print him with that obvious, bleeding open-wound. UGH! I felt defeated. This process is stressful enough, and we wait on their time table, and his work's schedule, and we have an hour drive, and the cost of gas..... My mind was thinking too much! Jay felt certain, at least he acted certain, that he would still get printed. The cut was on the side and not on the pad of the finger. He stated, "Well, you and Tyler still need them so let's go."
We got in the car and I felt frustrated, discouraged and had no control. I sat silently for a few minutes, looking to blame for husband for his accident. (He actually was helping me fix something, which was why he cut himself.) Thankfully, God did NOT let me sit there for long, having my pity party. I began praying and asking God to change my heart and help me to hand the whole circumstance back over to Him. I told Him IF He wanted the prints done that day it would be fine and if not He would work it out for Jay to return soon. Otherwise the process would be delayed because of the circumstance but it would be HIS providence and not my control. I did not want Satan to defeat us. I was able, after about 15 minutes, to let it go. By the time we arrived I actually felt lots of peace.
The staff got us right up to the computers, within a couple minutes of us filling out our forms. I started to panic just a little when Jay went up. Like I said, more of my not feeling control. But when I was getting my prints done, I realized that the very kind and proficient lady doing themt, did not even glance at my hands. If I would have had a cut she would not have even noticed it.
It is a little difficult to explain how they do them, unless you have had them done. They are so quick with them and they rely so much on the computer screen, along with you just handing them the right finger they ask for, they just don't look at your hands. So I had a glimmer of hope that maybe it would okay. He had New Skin on the cut and it had stopped bleeding.
When he walked away from the booth, he said, "It was not a problem. She only cared about the prints on the computer screen and didn't even look at my hands." Whew, thank you Lord!
Now we are still waiting to be assigned an officer and find out that they turned out okay!
The lady who took mine did say that mine were the best she had seen all day. But I am not so confident about the guys' hands. God knows, and I trust that though, I just have to keep going there.
Last Monday was our appointment for fingerprinting. It is about an hour drive. Not too far, but during the middle of a work day for Tyler and Jay. They both got off early that day and we took a little family trip. We left a few of the younger ones with Makenna and took the rest. I had heard from others that even though it states, "Not to bring anyone besides those who need to be printed", that they had no troubles. We went ahead and took the chance. It ended up being no issue, by the way- the place was very slow. Jay also wore his uniform as they serve armed forces quickly and efficiently.
Well, one thing that is stated on the appointment letter and I have heard from others to be very true with some offices, is that they can and often will turn you away if you have an open cut on your hand. I have also heard that prints don't turn out if you have super dry hands. I have been careful with my hands and asked the guys to do the same. Especially my husband who always seems to have to some sort of cut on his hand or finger. Well, would you believe his hands looked absolutely perfect, but only up until 2 minutes before we loaded up in the van. Yep, he sliced open the side of his index finger and it was bleeding good. He came in the bathroom and was looking for the New Skin. At first it didn't register with me what the problem was, like I said he always cuts himself and he has a high pain tolerance, just doesn't feel it. But then he says, "I cut my finger!'
I was thinking, "Okay I am sorry, well anyway." (Sorry, I was quite distracted getting people out the door). But then it hit me and I said, "Oh, No! You cut your finger. Let me see it." All for purely selfish motivation, honestly. I felt sick thinking they definitely would not print him with that obvious, bleeding open-wound. UGH! I felt defeated. This process is stressful enough, and we wait on their time table, and his work's schedule, and we have an hour drive, and the cost of gas..... My mind was thinking too much! Jay felt certain, at least he acted certain, that he would still get printed. The cut was on the side and not on the pad of the finger. He stated, "Well, you and Tyler still need them so let's go."
We got in the car and I felt frustrated, discouraged and had no control. I sat silently for a few minutes, looking to blame for husband for his accident. (He actually was helping me fix something, which was why he cut himself.) Thankfully, God did NOT let me sit there for long, having my pity party. I began praying and asking God to change my heart and help me to hand the whole circumstance back over to Him. I told Him IF He wanted the prints done that day it would be fine and if not He would work it out for Jay to return soon. Otherwise the process would be delayed because of the circumstance but it would be HIS providence and not my control. I did not want Satan to defeat us. I was able, after about 15 minutes, to let it go. By the time we arrived I actually felt lots of peace.
The staff got us right up to the computers, within a couple minutes of us filling out our forms. I started to panic just a little when Jay went up. Like I said, more of my not feeling control. But when I was getting my prints done, I realized that the very kind and proficient lady doing themt, did not even glance at my hands. If I would have had a cut she would not have even noticed it.
It is a little difficult to explain how they do them, unless you have had them done. They are so quick with them and they rely so much on the computer screen, along with you just handing them the right finger they ask for, they just don't look at your hands. So I had a glimmer of hope that maybe it would okay. He had New Skin on the cut and it had stopped bleeding.
When he walked away from the booth, he said, "It was not a problem. She only cared about the prints on the computer screen and didn't even look at my hands." Whew, thank you Lord!
Now we are still waiting to be assigned an officer and find out that they turned out okay!
The lady who took mine did say that mine were the best she had seen all day. But I am not so confident about the guys' hands. God knows, and I trust that though, I just have to keep going there.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Family Photos for Dossier
Last week, before my sinus surgery I needed to get the photos of our family sent into our agency for our dossier. This was the last thing I needed to do and actually one of the hardest for me.
How do you pick 8 photos of a family of 9 people, which will show our lives? I still don't think I accomplished exactly that, but I gave a glimpse.
I am sharing them with you.
The only real requested one was of Asher's bedroom. Technically he will be sleeping in Jay's and my room upon coming home, for as long as he needs. But eventually he will share a room with Toby, so I sent one of Toby and Asher's room.
This is Toby and Asher's room.
Making a puzzle (took us 3 days to make this 1000 piece Noah's Ark puzzle).
My 40th Birthday.
Mo, Kenna, Lenea, Ty
Lenea and Toby riding bikes in front of our house.
Me and My Handsome Hubby.
Easter :-)
Our whole family! (back row) Kenna, Jay, Me, Ty, Liza (front row) Moriah, Toby, Lenea and Jake
We can't wait to add Asher to the next family photo!
How do you pick 8 photos of a family of 9 people, which will show our lives? I still don't think I accomplished exactly that, but I gave a glimpse.
I am sharing them with you.
The only real requested one was of Asher's bedroom. Technically he will be sleeping in Jay's and my room upon coming home, for as long as he needs. But eventually he will share a room with Toby, so I sent one of Toby and Asher's room.
This is Toby and Asher's room.
Making a puzzle (took us 3 days to make this 1000 piece Noah's Ark puzzle).
My 40th Birthday.
Me and My Handsome Hubby.
Easter :-)
We can't wait to add Asher to the next family photo!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Not A Lot Of New News...
Today is 2 weeks since our immigration application was received at USCIS. We did get our fingerprint appointment in the mail last Friday. It is scheduled for May 16th at 2:00. We are still debating how to handle it. We had hoped to do an earlier "walk-in" appointment, as sometimes that speeds up the process a tiny bit. But because of my surgery and recovery coming, not sure if the timing will actually work out to that benefit. The office is not in the greatest part of a city an hour away from us, and technically we aren't supposed to bring our children to the office... So, this will be a walk of faith and waiting for God to lead us in this way.
I need to finish gathering our family pictures and send to our agency so they can get the most of our dossier authenticated in Washington DC., which takes 2 weeks. Then when I receive our last document, approval from USCIS, I will pay a courier to expedite that and have it to my agency in 4 days.Then once that is done, all our paperwork goes to China!!! I will do such a happy dance that day. I can't wait.
Looking at all of that, and the latest stats on immigration approval (I800-A) is up to 60 days for approval now, we have some waiting still. I am learning through all of this adoption that I am not good at waiting for some things, especially a blessing from God. I know this little boy is going to be ours. I have faith he is being well cared for, while we do everything we can to bring him home. I believe God is refining us as we learn to walk in faith and trust Him alone for giving us this blessing. But, as I sometimes say to Jay, "This dieing to myself hurts and my flesh is kicking and screaming all the way to the grave."
I look forward to being on the other side, but until then I am going to keep my eyes on the Lord, trusting Him and His timing, instead of man's and my own.
I need to finish gathering our family pictures and send to our agency so they can get the most of our dossier authenticated in Washington DC., which takes 2 weeks. Then when I receive our last document, approval from USCIS, I will pay a courier to expedite that and have it to my agency in 4 days.Then once that is done, all our paperwork goes to China!!! I will do such a happy dance that day. I can't wait.
Looking at all of that, and the latest stats on immigration approval (I800-A) is up to 60 days for approval now, we have some waiting still. I am learning through all of this adoption that I am not good at waiting for some things, especially a blessing from God. I know this little boy is going to be ours. I have faith he is being well cared for, while we do everything we can to bring him home. I believe God is refining us as we learn to walk in faith and trust Him alone for giving us this blessing. But, as I sometimes say to Jay, "This dieing to myself hurts and my flesh is kicking and screaming all the way to the grave."
I look forward to being on the other side, but until then I am going to keep my eyes on the Lord, trusting Him and His timing, instead of man's and my own.
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