Tuesday, August 2, 2011

To Friends and Family and LOA still waiting

I wanted to share a few of the ways we will be parenting Asher with our Loved Friends and Family,

Because of the need for attachment, that Asher likely had little experience with and we need it with him as his Mommy and Daddy we will be purposely regressing him back to babyhood, even though he will be almost 2 years old. We will encourage him to take a bottle, let us rock him, and meet all his needs immediately as if he were a new baby in our arms from day one.

This will encourage Asher to become dependent on Mommy and Daddy, therefore help him to realize he is safe, loved and can therefore bond and form an attachment, that will be healthy.

Children, who come from these type of circumstances are going to have some attachment issues. All these issues take time, patience, love and meeting their needs hundreds, and hundreds of times, until that trust is finally established.

Asher's bed will be in our room, right next to our bed. If he wants to co-sleep we welcome that. We loved having all our babies sleep with us when they were little. It helped us get a little extra sleep, especially Mommy, and it helped us feel connected. This is one of the highly recommended tools used for attachment.

It may appear to others that we are spoiling him when we meet his needs immediately. But it is the foundation for us to gain his trust. If he had times at birth, in the orphanage, or even in foster care that he was hungry (had food, but maybe not enough) and knew that he was missing that bond with his biological mama, he will have mistrust of any care taker. We aren't planning to spoil him with material things or giving into his whims and wants, but his needs- comfort, food, love etc.

We won't be using many babysitters,church nurseries, etc at least for the first 6 months, maybe longer, whatever he needs. Again, this is to promote attachment and bonding, not to selfishly keep him to ourselves. :)  Can you imagine having to leave your foster family and all that you have ever known all of a sudden?? He may fear that we will leave him too. 

We won't be allowing many people at all, to hold him when we first get home.  That will be very hard for us, because we know most of you will want to love on him too and show your support. The good news is that if we can help him not be confused with whom his parents are, and teach him that he comes to Mommy and Daddy for comfort, love and even food, then again we gain that bond and attachment. Then also, because he will have a healthy relationship and bond with us, he will in the future be able to have attached relationships with others.

Another big thing for us will be that he will likely have a major surgery on his palate within a couple of months of coming home. This will be stressful, exhausting, challenging, painful and also very good for attachment. If you will please remember to pray for him, the doctors and our whole family at that time.

When Asher comes homes please be careful about talking or asking questions about his "adoption" in front of him. We are opened to discuss anything we have learned or gone through with this process and in the future privately with you, but for Asher he needs to hear and be seen as our son, not treated or introduced as our "adopted son".  He will be a part of our family just like our biological children.  We will not be keeping the fact that he is adopted from him. Obviously he will look a lot different, so we couldn't try that anyway. He will always know he is special and is adopted, these 2 issues we plan to keep personal and talk about when he is ready.  Imagine trying to talk to a 2 year old about being abandoned.  We don't mind talking about it, just not in front of him.

We have done over 40 hours of training and read numerous books on attachment and bonding. We are implementing what we learned from that. Please be patient with us as we get to know one another, and learn to be his Mommy and Daddy.We may handle a situation differently than you would but, dealing with an almost 2 year old ADOPTED child with a language barrier is not something most of us get to do.The first few weeks or couple months we will not be doing many outside things, please also support us in that. Feel free to call and encourage us though, as we will be likely very tired, and having some rough days too. Our biological children will need understanding too, this will be a huge adjustment for them as well. Thankfully, they are resilient and are anxiously anticipating having a cute, Chinese toddler around.

On another topic. Approval?? Nope, nothing, nada, zilch...This waiting is hard.
Right now we are completing the last of our training and going to get that to our agency to approve. Then we will fill out the forms for the next step to be waiting for approval to come.
Unfortunately, it seems LOAs have been slowing done still. There hasn't been much word on them with a China adopt forum I read. Please pray that the Lord would intervene and that we would be one the of the fast ones..



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